Tales from Talon Tech Support
by mugasofer
Summary: What if Sombra was more like the average IT guy? What if she was a 4chan poster? Inspired by the 4chan "Tales of IT" greentext; /gallery/iJD8f on imgur.


day 19

boss comes in and says we have a new assignment

we're going to assassinate the president of Russia

"Anon can you hack her and find us a way in?"

shit

google "President of Russia schedule" while wearing my serious face

"hmm ... says here she'll be inspecting the Bore munitions factory tomorrow."

she looks at me

"Very well."

time to google where the Bore factory is

* * *

day 20

attacking the Bore munitions factory

turns out it's a hardened military facility filled with guards

oops

everything about it is classified but I can see the rough layout on Google Maps

boss tells me to make sure the target is here

"oh, she's here all right"

military killing machines start sneaking in, killing guards as they go

doing pointless backflips and shit

I'm just wandering in the front door hiding behind a hologram

hope nobody spots me on the security camera

wander over to a console some guy was using

thank god they're already logged in

check the security camera and my teammates are totally obvious but I guess the security guy is on a coffee break

suddenly I hear a voice on the comm

"Anon. The door."

Murderface is standing in front of a door surrounded by bodies

suddenly realize he has no idea how to open it

neither do I

press buttons until the door moves but it only opens a crack

"Anon..."

play it off as a joke

suddenly realize the button is a slider and I need to move it to the top to open the door

I open it bit to make it look like I'm playing with him

he uses his crazy nanotech enhancements to slide through the door before it's even open

he could clearly have done that at any time

dude could have flown over it

I guess he was too lazy

* * *

my one job accomplished, I start flicking through security feeds

I figure killface will go kill the president and we'll be on our way

mfw I see the room he's in

it's full of turrets covering every angle

he could easily have been killed the instant I opened that stupid door but wasn't for some reason

guess the turrets don't recognize him as human

tell him I've hacked the turrets

boss lady starts bitching about how long she'll have to wait in the snow with her sniper rifle

bitch it's not my fault you wore a backless bodysuit

we're attacking Russia in the winter wear a coat

* * *

suddenly the president walks right by my console

"Incoming, uh, right now."

president starts giving a speech about how great their weapons are and stuff

one of them is pointing a gun right at her face

powering it up

no idea why though. I didn't hack it. maybe he's murdering the president too

start poking around, see the files on the mechs. Maybe I *can* control them?

mfw just a bunch of political BS about how nobody can know they got this tech from a spy with the enemy or whatever

download it anyway

DOOT DOOT DOOT

Unauthorized access alarm

oh shit oh shit

sniper takes that as her cue to attack and starts firing wildly

Guncrotch Mc Bulletmash takes that as his cue to attack and starts firing wildly

huge mech battle erupts between bulletface and the mech suit

president sheparded into the lift by guards

I'm cowering in the corner as bullets fly everywhere

mech is kicking gunmouth's ass

"Anon I'm cut off! You must kill the President"

I'm in the same fucking room as you

whatever

"Uh ... sure! She's getting away!"

go find an elevator so I can follow her.

put on a cool circuit board hologram of what I imagine hacking looks like

if doompants looks at me I'll look cool

he doesn't

* * *

elevator is attached to the wrong gantry

gotta jump over to where she is

just barely make it and pull myself up. Pretty proud I chased down the target where deathkiller failed

everyone stares at me

guards run over

maybe the glowing hacking circuitry was a mistake

shit shit guards! I throw a teleport grenade at them

NOTHING HAPPENS

must have configured it wrong

guards literally burst out laughing

fuckers

while they're laughing I draw my pistol and shoot them

who's laughing now

* * *

suddenly the mech shoots a giant laser at me from below

guess murderface wasn't doing a great job keeping it busy

cuts right through the gantry

falling

circuit hologram is still projecting on everything I pass

manage to land on another mech, it's moving to grab me or something

manage to jump off

GUARDS

EVERYWHERE

turn on my invisibility and hide in the corner

they leave

sneak upstairs

president is going into a room!

follow her

maybe I can complete the mission after all

* * *

I'm in her room hidden in the corner

try to shoot the guard

I'm out of fucking bullets

I guess I used the whole clip shooting those guys from earlier

fuck

sneak over to one of the guards and try to steal his pistol

hologram disintegrates

Everyone kind of freezes for a moment

I grab his gun and shoot guard #2

guard #1 grabs it back but I manage to pull the trigger and shoot him while we're wrestling

hold down the trigger and it stops firing

out of ammo

these things use up ammo fast

he must have spares somewhere but I have no idea where he'd keep them

honestly I have no idea how to reload a gun

pointing my gun at the President of Russia

my empty gun

start bullshitting like crazy

"I'm not gonna kill you lol I'm the one who set off the alarm"

"what would happen if the people of Russia found out their defender against the Omnics ... was actually getting her tech from the enemy?"

pull up the video from earlier

she buys it

"what do you want?"

fuck

what do I want?

just vaguely imply she'd better do me a favour in the future

looking at my screen I notice the teleportation grenade from earlier

I forgot to hit the "on" key

motherfucker

guards suddenly start prying the blast door open

"I'll ... uh ... be in touch."

teleport away

tell the boss I chased her but she got away

I'll just have to hope the President doesn't tell anybody I "blackmailed" her into nothing


End file.
